OCTOBER 3, 2017
#peace #tranquility #love #light #hope #healing
A COLDER OCTOBER, OCTOBER 16, 2018
I don’t remember a colder October.
Nature’s real lessons – love and loss and longing – echoing yearly. Simple trees and simple leaves. Temporary slumbers; predictable, patterned, withdraw with a promise of likelihood. Coming back, coming back stronger, maybe reaching a little higher.
Occasionally, that’s not the case. Of course, majestics don’t worry about that. Perhaps affording optimism in squirrels and birds and other creatures. Although seeing fit to plan, return rote expecting rejuvenation. Coming from another season’s slumber, they lumber; sometimes dumbfounded when the memory is bare or barely there.
Much like those times you thought you were growing straight, turned twisted in time, searching for the sun. Vital pieces fall away, hacked, splintered, struck by lightning. How it happens; endless possibilities, all still no less of a shock.
So, I welcome the colors, and I welcome the lack. It’s part of the process.
Lightly suffering through another falling season. It only seems ok because I’ve been here before. Somehow now it’s easier to see. There are no perfect trees.
I don’t remember a colder October, or colors that faded so fast.
Quote for the Week:
THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY OF THE END, OCTOBER 1, 2019
13 years ago today, I think I knew before I knew.
It was the strangest feeling.
It still is.
I took a 20-mile detour on the way home from Lansing this past weekend.
Accidentally, really. Not even on auto-pilot, since it’d been so long since I went that way.
Just a missed turn while I was thinking about the rain and Frosty Boy and my Brookside destination.
Odd to travel that same path so close to the same days. The thing is, the story goes on.
And, again, a warning.
It’s only the beginning of the story of the end.
The reality that followed wasn’t pleasant. It was shocking, bizarre, surreal and sadly, in a glass-half-empty way, expected.
February’d found us listening to a rundown how things might go. How Jeff’s disease and complications would likely progress.
The order was correct: first, he’d be alive, and then, he wouldn’t be.
The timing, though, was fundamentally far-off, greatly misjudged, significantly skewed.
Even when you know what to expect, it’s still unexpected. Quite unbelievable, and unbelievingly challenging for the mind to process.
It’s the sort of thing the heart is much quicker to recognize.
In the same way that Sadie was waiting for me to figure it out, my certain heart was forced to wait for my uncertain mind to follow.
I picked up the phone and dialed 911.
Quote for the week:
Still chronologically undecided, but waiting any longer won’t put the words where I want.
So, I’m walking myself backwards from now to where I started 14 years ago, one year in.
I’m also not sure any of it alone will make any sense. But, here goes, anyway…
The Scrambler, October 13, 2020.
At the end. Not really. There is no terminus.
We’re at the end of this line and it’s time to change tracks. Not sure if I’m going by train or plane or bus, on foot strolling or if I’m just going to stand here a while.
The funny stuff doesn’t end here. Some of it still continues. But, there’s this:
Last week someone I don’t know said something that changed everything.
The technical base of this pre-recorded shared philosophy branches out beyond where we normally go.
Merriam-Webster: Addiction 2: a strong inclination to do, use, or indulge in something repeatedly.
The point of the moment was that addiction isn’t limited to drugs or alcohol. Food, gambling, smoking, shopping, sex, video games, internet, social media.
The scrambler? “You can be addicted to grief.”
I’ve felt this way for so long; too long, I admit.
And while it’s comfortable here, cocooned and non-expanding, I don’t think I want to be here anymore.
It’s been way longer than you think; then you know, too.
I’ve been writing pain since, always. I remember sharing a piece I was particularly pre-teen proud of, brought up short by the question: Does everything you write have to be so dark?
Of course, I’ve changed. I write about life: the known, unknown, bad, ugly, cliché.
I didn’t write for a few years. Guess which ones those were? Yep, that short little span of Jeff years.
I don’t think I’m incapable of happy prose. I’d like to think I was just too busy living happy.
Maybe. I don’t know. I just didn’t write. Much. I’ve found a few notes which are entirely inexplicable….
So, the shock of that. That word. Addiction.
I’ve wrapped my head around it, and yeah, I am completely sure. It is what I never considered it could be or would be or was or is.
I’m not nearly in the same spiritual place as when I was misunderstood 14 years ago.
I’m further away now then when I wasn’t at all.
I’m not sure how I’m gonna do this/how long its gonna take.
But, I’m kinda happy with my decision. And that feels … new.
Quote for the Week:
So, that’s how the scroll saw came to live in the computer room closet.
Jeff read the manual (sort of), but that’s as far as he got. His legs were giving out, and we had other things to concentrate on. I also made him promise not to use it for the first time when I wasn’t home. If he could break a toe while shaving his head… sawing surely needed to be supervised.
And that’s how the scroll saw ended up in the 2010, house sold, moving sale. It didn’t make it to a table until the second day, because I had imagined it would be harder to unearth from that over-stuffed closet. I marked it at $50 thinking that’d be a good starting amount. I didn’t have the box or the manual, but it was brand-new, never used and maybe someone would know what to do with it.
A little after 3 PM on the last day, a young couple came in. “Hmm,” the husband commented. “Honey? Look at this!”
“What is it?” she asked.
“A scroll saw, just like the one I rented last week for $85.00. I could buy this one and we’d never have to rent one again!”
“Oh,” she considered, then continued. “I just don’t think we can afford that right now, honey,” as she moved on to look at other items.
The fellow just stood there mesmerized.
Knowing I’d never use and not wanting to struggle it back into the closet or move it to Ann Arbor, I whispered to my gregarious friend, “He can have it for $35.00.”
Because she’s the outgoing one who has no problem dickering with yard salers or yard sale customers I gave her the appropriate lenience to do as she pleased.
From her perch near the cashbox, she announced the offer loudly, adding the key phrase, “It’s never been used!”
That’s when I heard it. The whimper.
I laughed out a bark, and leaned closer to my cohort. “That’s the exact same sound Jeff made when we bought that thing!”
He looked at his wife beseechingly and she slowly nodded her approval. As he stood there holding the saw, he told us that he and his wife were renovating their home. “Thank you so much. Thank you so much,” he kept repeating.
“Never been used,” my friend repeated as they headed-out. “Her husband passed!” she called after him, stopping them on the threshold of exiting.
I really thought that man was going to cry as he turned to stare at me. “It will get put to good use,” he answered quivering. “I promise it will get used.”
I may have lost money on that deal, but I gained another blessed insight into the non-coincidences of GOD’s careful plans.
What was that scroll saw worth? $215.00, $115, $62.50, $50.oo or $35.00?
Making Jeff happy, which made me happy, which made that family happy = sacredly priceless.
Quote for the Week:
One more thing, October 6, 2020, my friend, cohort and kindred soul, Paula, passed away.
At first I was like, “Really, Paula? Today?”
But, then, I let go a chuckle-sob, thanking her for not giving me a different date to commemorate.
If it a day had to suck, anyway, it might as well have been that one.